For the longest while, I’ve complained about not having enough time to do the things I want to do or even need to do.

I would say things like, “Work takes up too much of my time, and afterwards I’m tired.” Or, “The weekend isn’t long enough to get things done, so why bother.”

So I took the entirety of August as vacation time and put together a list of items that I would get done.

The month passed and I hardly put a dent in that list. It reminded me of this Mr. Lovenstein comic:

Where did all the time go? Why didn’t I get the things done?

The time didn’t fly to me. And I did get things done, just not as much as I expected, or could have done. However, most of the time when I had free time, I found myself spending time instead on YouTube and social media.

I even scheduled time to do things I needed – like learning, reading or writing – but I found myself weirdly avoiding doing those things I planned. I found it incredibly hard to focus and motivate myself to do those things. I would find myself unconsciously going to YouTube or Reddit, and even when I catch myself, just allow myself. “What’s a few minutes?” I would ask, which would turn to an hour.

Even now as I’m typing this I find the pull to do other things almost irresistible.

So even with much available free time on my hand, I couldn’t muster the will to actually do anything. So while I often blame work or other parts of life for holding me back, it’s really I am to blame for blocking any kind of progress.

I am deliberately sabotaging my growth.

Why is this happening? Fear of failure? Fear of success? Burnout? Pure, unadulterated laziness?

I don’t know, but I hope that just by starting to write again I can get back on my road to success – whatever that may be.

Today I planned out my day as I have a lot of work to do.

I wanted to put some serious effort into my Master’s thesis, to start coming up with some draft designs for how it will come together. I had the entire thing scheduled so that after lunch, I would do some of the reading and then put together a framework for how the rest of the project would go.

Afterwards, I would complete two reports that were due yesterday. I try to avoid office work on weekends, but because I slipped on that report, I decided to get it done today.

After I finished those two reports, I would iron my office shirts for the next week. I would watch a SANs video while I laboured so that I’ll learn something while doing that monotonous activity.

After dinner, I’d write my blog, do some reading and head to bed early.

I had it all planned to a T.

But I just needed to tidy up first.

Today I got up at 5 am and went for my Sunday morning run.

Bought fruits and newspapers on the way back.

Got home and made breakfast. My elder daughter was up so I made her breakfast too.

Afterwards, I deposited the recycling. Stopped at the gas station.

Back at home, I seasoned the meat that I was going to make for lunch – some pork chops and spare ribs.

Then a bathed the dogs. Then bathed me.

Then back to preparing lunch. Put the meat in the oven. Then prepared the vegetables.

Wash. Chop. Steam. Sautee.

The meat was done. Cut up the spare ribs.

Then eat.

A quick shower then a 10-minute break.

Then off to ironing my shirt, and the kids’ school uniforms.

Finished around 7:30 pm. Had dinner. Then sat down to type this up.

So busy. And I’m quite tired right now.

But what I wasn’t busy doing:

– Researching information for my final year project.
– Learning/practising development with Python.
– Learning ML/DL/AI.
– Mastering focus and time management.

It’s now the 1st of December and I haven’t made a dent in the things I planned to do this year.

I didn’t have to do many of the things I did today. I didn’t have to cook. Or iron the kids’ uniforms.

But I did it anyway.

And this is how procrastination works sometimes.

It’s not that you’re lazy. It’s that you decide to focus your time on other things.

Yes, I’ve done some useful things. But not doing my wildly important goals will hurt me in the long term.