So rather than killing myself writing a post, I’m going to take a shower and get to bed.
There’s going to be another day tomorrow that I can write again. Sometimes that’s just how it goes.
Live to write another day.
Very sick today
Archives for December 2019
Wanting more
Recently I’ve been finding myself wondering if I could have done better.
Better in my career. Better in my business. Better in my relationships.
As I get older, the feeling of regret of missed opportunities is getting worse. I’m finding it hard to stay in the present moment and enjoy what is in the now.
If you aren’t in the moment, you are either looking forward to uncertainty, or back to pain and regret.
Jim Carrey
I know that what matters is the present moment. I can’t change the past. And the future has yet to come.
But it’s easy to forget that when you’re bombarded with so many things.
I know if I focus on the now much of the anxiety and frustration can be alleviated. But the anxiety and frustration are making it hard to focus on the now.
It’s a trap.
These anxieties are feeding my regrets, so first thing first, is to get back into my mindfulness practice be learn to be present once again.
So I can focus on what I have:
- Family
- Health
- A place to sleep
- Friends that I can count on
And then I can become what I could be.
The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.
Unknown
Sick today
Today was one of those days.
Almost everything hurts.
Head. Eyes. Throat. Back. Legs. Butt.
Yet, I still barreled through the day getting stuff done. And in the end, what do I have to show for it. I’m not getting anything extra for showing up.
I should have taken one of those perks of the job – the sick day.
But I didn’t.
Instead, I diligently showed up for my job doing the work without thanks or appreciation.
Fighting fires. Dealing with escalations. Decisions to make. Staff problems to resolve.
And the kicker – doing monthly reports to show how terribly I’ve done over the past month.
Oh, joy!
It just doesn’t seem worth it.
More fearful as I get older
Perhaps it’s just me, but as I get older I find myself becoming more anxious and risk-averse.
I wasn’t feeling like this a decade ago. Back then I was willing to jump into my own business. I was taking on projects I’ve never done before. And willing to take on new challenges.
But now… I’m less inclined to do so.
Perhaps it’s the lull of a stable job (and pay) and more financial responsibilities as kids get older.
But looking back at it, there’s no reason for me to be feeling like this. Nothing has fundamentally changed except my age.
The number of children I have. The bills I pay. The cars I own. They haven’t changed.
The only thing that has changed is my attitude to the challenges that I’ve faced over the past 10 years.
While my attitude back then was one of optimism and “go for it”, my attitude now is one of cautious pursuit, to put it mildly.
Need to readjust, reframe, and restart.
So busy today
Today I got up at 5 am and went for my Sunday morning run.
Bought fruits and newspapers on the way back.
Got home and made breakfast. My elder daughter was up so I made her breakfast too.
Afterwards, I deposited the recycling. Stopped at the gas station.
Back at home, I seasoned the meat that I was going to make for lunch – some pork chops and spare ribs.
Then a bathed the dogs. Then bathed me.
Then back to preparing lunch. Put the meat in the oven. Then prepared the vegetables.
Wash. Chop. Steam. Sautee.
The meat was done. Cut up the spare ribs.
Then eat.
A quick shower then a 10-minute break.
Then off to ironing my shirt, and the kids’ school uniforms.
Finished around 7:30 pm. Had dinner. Then sat down to type this up.
So busy. And I’m quite tired right now.
But what I wasn’t busy doing:
– Researching information for my final year project.
– Learning/practising development with Python.
– Learning ML/DL/AI.
– Mastering focus and time management.
It’s now the 1st of December and I haven’t made a dent in the things I planned to do this year.
I didn’t have to do many of the things I did today. I didn’t have to cook. Or iron the kids’ uniforms.
But I did it anyway.
And this is how procrastination works sometimes.
It’s not that you’re lazy. It’s that you decide to focus your time on other things.
Yes, I’ve done some useful things. But not doing my wildly important goals will hurt me in the long term.