I have a challenge. I find it difficult to say no and often take on more than I can handle.
It doesn’t help that I’m attracted to novel things, or that I’m willing to do the work to figure things out where others couldn’t or wouldn’t.
This causes me to be greatly overworked, and worst, to miss deadlines and become undependable.
And this is killing me.
I have a strong sense of responsibility. It’s one of my strengths apparently if you were to believe the GALLUP CliftonStrengths finder.
According to the test, "People with strong Responsibility talents take psychological ownership of anything they commit to, whether it is large or small, and they feel emotionally bound to follow it through to completion."
I don’t know if I’m emotionally bound to follow through to completion. The strength is no match to my procrastination weakness. But I do feel like shit when I don’t deliver on time.
And this is killing me.
Another thing I feel responsible for are my team members. I implicitly take ownership of the activities that happen within my team. And it hurts, even more, when they are not delivering.
Even more so, I feel as though I am failing them. That I haven’t been giving them all that is necessary to get the work done.
People tell me that I cannot accept the blame or take responsibility for that. And I hear them. But honestly, can’t help it.
And this is killing me.
In all, I accept the fact that the only one who can stop the pain is me.
I know what I must do, I just don’t know how to. I take responsibility in figuring that out.
Figuring out how to take control of my time.
Figuring out how to know what I can and cannot control.
Figuring out what I should or shouldn’t take the blame for.
Until I do figure that out though, it’s all my fault.
And this is killing me.